you say you’re a cynic
i think you fall in love as hard as i do

you question how hard that is
i say as hard as swans

you say swans are hardly hard
i say they’re evil, long-necked … Read the rest

politically
i do not know where my loyalties lie
whoever i vote for
the government gets in
and it does things and i ask
WHY WHY WHY

anatomically
i do not know where my body lies
i am not … Read the rest

Published poet and UK Poetry Slam Champion Niall Spooner-Harvey reads about dating ads, forgiveness and bacon not sex at the Whippersnapper Press launch:

See the full video archive

© Niall Spooner-Harvey 2010… Read the rest

i want to be a BOLLARD
it’s not hard

all BOLLARDS do
is sit in the middle of roads
and watch the traffic

so give me some thermoplastic
and a great big blue arrow to stick on
and i’ll … Read the rest

‘this is what real relaxing is’
said
my lovely girlfriend
as she patted me on the head
for not procrastinating
and getting all my work done
on time.

‘this is what real relaxing is’
she said.

then
my real-relaxing … Read the rest

PLEASE DO NOT

PLEASE KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF THE

YOUR MOTHER IS NOT

RESTRICTED: NO

NO PARKING IN FRONT OF

REFRAIN FROM AT ALL TIMES

TRESPASSERS WILL BE HANDED AN UNATTENDED CHILD AND AN ESPRESSO AND A PUPPY AND… Read the rest

you trod all over my begonias!
you ruined my manicured garden!
you ran off with my shiny new lawnmower
and then used it to trim your own lawn!

you put chocolate sauce in my gravy!
you spiked my custard … Read the rest

i asked a woman out the other day
she said no
i wondered why she said no
i know why
it’s because i’m too nice

i’m a nice guy
i mean
i really like helen
i’ve had two conversations … Read the rest

there are good words
and there are bad words

here are some good words

fruiterer
pranny
bonce
turpitude
lugubrious
slench
urrances

i made those last two up
but they are still good words

now here are some bad words… Read the rest