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A New Conversation Piece

February 8th, 2012 § 0

Bloody hell, it’s about time! Do you know how stuffy it is in that bag?

Ow. No, go ahead, drop me on the floor, that’s cool. It’s not like I’m old and fragile or anything. Oh, for god’s sake would you lay off screaming already? “Oh no, it talks, what’s going on? How will my precious established world view survive this sudden onslaught of madness?” That’s you, dude, and you sound like an idiot.

That’s better. Have you calmed down a little bit? Good. So how about getting me off this floor? I’d do it myself, but that would require, y’know, limbs. Come on, I don’t bite. Actually, I suppose it’s pretty much the only thing I could do, but I’ll restrain myself on this one occasion if you’ll just put me on the table.

Thank you. Not that I don’t enjoy looking up your skirt, but it’s just not dignified. What? Well, you weren’t the one being sold in a creepy old antique shop. I’m just trying to get a little bit of self-respect back. It’s hard to face the world, when you don’t actually have a face.

Good. Laughing’s good. So let’s start at the beginning, what’s your name? Really? Wow, your parents must have hated you. Oh, really? How’d they die? Well, at least it was peaceful. Do you want to talk to them? Heh, not really, I can’t do that.

Jeez, it was just a joke. Sorry. I guess it’s hard to read facial expressions when… well, y’know. I don’t know my name. I don’t remember much of being alive at all, really, though I’m pretty sure I was at one point. I’ve been like this about fifteen years now. You’re actually the first person who’s been able to hear me.

Yes, of course that’s a good thing! No, I didn’t talk in the shop, but look at things my way – I’d been sitting on that shelf for half a decade, and if I piped up back then, it would’ve freaked you right out, leaving me stuck there for another however many years.

How should I know? You ever had any sort of psychic shit before? Ever been cursed by a gypsy? A medium? Maybe you were hypnotised into hearing the souls of the dead. No? Do you… I don’t know, read horoscopes? Look, I really can’t help you here. Your guess is as good as mine.

Are you serious? No, I haven’t talked to God! Yeah, sure, it was Satan, why not? Me and Old Nick go way back. No, I can’t “get him answer a quick question”! Do you have a problem with sarcasm specifically, or did I just end up with the world’s thickest ghost-whisperer. Wait, come back! I’m sorry, that was harsh. As far as I’m aware I have had no contact with any divine or infernal being. Ok?

Anyway, I thought you said you didn’t really believe in “all that religious bollocks”. I heard you talking to that guy on the way home. Of course I heard, what am I going to do, put my hands over my ear-holes? Hey, you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of. What’s his name? Brian. That is unfortunate. Still, he sounded cute, you should jump his bones. Get it? Jump his… Come on, it wouldn’t kill you to crack a smile. I should know.

Oh right, I’m the inappropriate one. I’m not the creepy lass that bought a human skull. Of course you thought I was fake, but I still heard you going on about how anatomically accurate I was. What was it you said? “As realistic as possible.” Well, be careful what wish for, because you might get it. And then find out it’s a bit of a dick. What’d you buy me for anyway?

Fuck off. Could you please not use the H-word in my presence? You have no idea how many times I’ve been held aloft by wannabe Danes Alas-ing at me. It gets real old, real fast.

No. I refuse. I know what I said, but I will not be named Yorick. Great, that you find funny. Infinite jest my decomposed arse.

Yeah, a drink would probably help. Stiffen you up a bit. I understand this is all super weird. I’d ask for a drop myself, but this looks like quite a nice tablecloth.

Ok, sure. I’ll be here when you get back. Just hanging around. It’s not like I’ll get bored or anything. Could you leave a book in front of me or something? Thanks. See you later.

Wait, could you turn the page! Hello? Ah, shit.




© J. Sims 2012

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